My Calling
When I was a little girl I had a list of things I wanted to be when I grew up.
● A nurse,
● a teacher,
● a missionary,
● a writer.
Whenever I presented these things to my parents they had a specific response. “You can do all that by being a wife and mom.”
In other words, all my goals needed to focus on a particular end. In the homeschooling, purity culture movement many young women were groomed to be mothers, and if possible mother boys to be the leaders of the church.
There was a vague acknowledgment that maybe you wouldn’t marry, but in that case, you would just stay under the protection and provision of your father. The idea of a woman pursuing a career was frowned on because it would distract her from the “highest calling” of being a wife and mother.
At the time of my graduation from high school, I wrote a letter about my goal to stay home and learn things that might benefit my future as a wife and mother. I was encouraged to pursue a good education so that I could teach my own child. But that did not mean anything like a formal degree as a teacher. I could pursue my interests in theology or history because that would make me a good wife to a Christian man. I would adapt myself to support whatever vision my future husband had for life.
The stay-at-home daughter movement was an extension of the homeschooling and patriarchal movements. These movements were majorly supported by evangelical Christians so the Bible was often used as the support for the movements. Being a stay-at-home woman was taught as biblical and godly. This leads to a sense of superiority when you did it right and also shame if you want to do anything else, like have a job and a career.
Having an income was okay, but only certain types of work were approved. I worked in a pizza restaurant that was owned by a family friend who was a Christian. That was considered to be a safe and approved environment. I also taught piano, as many homeschooled young ladies did. For some reason, music lessons were high on the approved list of jobs a young woman could have. The idea behind it was often that it could be done from her home. Any sort of entrepreneur work from home was encouraged. The stay-at-home daughter movement was meant to keep girls safe from the predatory environments of the workforce. At least on the surface that was the explanation.
Another “biblical” concept that is often misinterpreted is the passage in Genesis which says women should submit to men. This abuse of this passage is varied but in the case of a daughter, the idea was that there are only two men to who a woman should submit. Her father or her husband. If she is in the workforce then she is submitting to another man entirely. The impact that this notion had was that it would not only be dangerous for a daughter to be in the workforce but also disobedient to God because she would be submitting to another man.
Looking back now I can see that there are many passages of the Bible that are misinterpreted in order for some authority figure to maintain control. I tried my best to stay within approved methods of stretching my wings. I taught piano, despite being an ungifted teacher. I worked in the approved environments and tried to pursue higher education from home. But college from home is not easy, especially when people view it as only a pit stop on the way to being a wife and mom.
Since becoming a wife and mother I have had an interesting arc in my journey. I do not homeschool my kids. I have worked as a Certified Nurses Assistant. I currently do freelance writing work and am pursuing a certification as a Spiritual Director. When I look at my childhood desires I realize that they were much more real than the desire to be a wife and mom. I love my family dearly, and I will always prioritize them. But that does not look like doing things the way prescribed by the SAHD movement. It looks like seeking God’s calling and will for my life and for theirs.
I think that there are many women who want to be home as a wife and have children. I believe that is good. I also think that there are women who have been given the gifts and desire to do other things. God told us to make disciples, not spouses and parents.
The stay-at-home daughter was in an odd position of being both highly valued and also highly diminished. When I showed any interest in theology, that was considered something for men to learn and teach to their wives and daughters. When I wanted to go into nursing I was told that it would expose me to things I should be protected from. When I wanted to be a writer it was only okay if I was to write things to other girls and women. There were always vague and unclear allusions to the dangers of being alone with young men and tempting them with my body. The lack of clarity in the explanations gave me considerable confusion and discomfort with my own body for years into my marriage.
I have two daughters now. I don’t know what they will be when they grow up. One is a baby, and the other is still in elementary school and she wants to be a baby doctor. I want to teach them how to listen to what God is calling them to. Maybe that will be to marriage and motherhood. Maybe it will be a career or service of some sort. Encouraging them to build a relationship with God, and faith in him is my highest desire. The kingdom of God is not built by me having a ton of babies, but by my relationship with God and others.
~Caitlin Mallery (former Stay at Home Daughter)
“Hi, I am Caitlin, writer, poet, and mom. I want to chat about the ways we can do ordinary things extraordinarily well. You can find me on Instagram sharing about poetry and the fruit of the Spirit, as well as my latest baking project, check out my podcast with my kids, Mama Bear Chats, on Spotify. And sign up for my weekly newsletter, Caitlin Chats over on Substack, where I talk about being a working mom, and all the ordinary things that make up life.”
Caitlin can be found on the web and social media below:
https://caitlinhmallery.substack.com/
https://www.instagram.com/caitlinhmallery/
https://www.facebook.com/caitlinhmallery