We Can Do Better

Growing up, I considered my life to be fairly normal. I thought most people had the rules and guidelines that we did, not realizing until later how abnormal it truly was. My mom was amazing. She worked harder than any other person I know to make sure we had food and clothing, but she didn’t, could not, do it from her house all the time. 

We faced some challenges in this. While some of the things were approved, like our home-based pizza business and tax preparation business, earning money driving the Amish was not, as it took us from the home. Anything that did that was frowned upon. Those ideals of SAHD lifestyle limited us, to the point that it almost would be better to starve than to work outside the home, out from under our protector. 

I was always very driven in my education. I desperately wanted to learn more, but my desire for higher education was greatly discouraged. I was told again and again, “There should be ways to get an education that do not require college.” Followed closely by “Yes, you should be prepared to help with making money, but home-based businesses are best”.

They believed that women should not be out in the workplace. It was not safe, and basically, you were just asking for danger if you did work outside the home. There were constant put-downs towards women who did work in positions of authority, calling them “Women’s libbers” or “Feminazi’s” or “Man Haters”. I have no doubt that there were people that were not acting right, but looking back, seeing my mom being put down for having to do jobs to make money, and hearing others in my life call women names for simply helping provide for their family greatly impacted me. 

When I chose to get married, despite my desire to not get married, it was because of the overarching belief that this was what was right. Women and girls were created to get married, have children, stay home, and not gain too much knowledge because that information would be “wasted” on a girl. They should focus their attention on cooking, sewing, housekeeping, playing music, and being soft and appealing. Bookkeeping was ok but questionable. Herbs were good, medical studies were bad. Midwifery was ok, but thinking of being a doctor? No. 

These beliefs caused me to choose a spouse that was not a healthy person and greatly oppressed me more and more in my desire for learning. I stopped reading books. I didn’t talk about topics I enjoyed. In fact, I no longer knew what I enjoyed or who I was as a person. I was a wife, a mother and took care of the home. 

The key issue that I see with the SAHD movement is the oppression of women and their talents. They sought to keep these amazing people in bondage by limited education. If someone is married to an unhealthy spouse and does not know how to open a bank account, do taxes, get a job, rent a house or any of the basics of life, it greatly limits them. And it is all too common. They often stay in unhealthy situations merely because they have no other options available to them or at least they believe that to be the case. Young girls and women choose unhealthy mates, as they desire to be a woman that fulfills the role given to them. They are told they are called to be strong, to the point of setting aside red flag warnings. The thoughts in the heads of these women and girls only become what they are taught. The inner voice says “You are not of value to the world. You are meant to only be one thing. You are weak and helpless without a man.” 

As they learn the falsehood of these beliefs, rejecting them and going forward as women that can manage a household, do plumbing repairs, decide what color to paint a room and all on their own, they still sometimes hear the echo of the lies.

While there are amazing marriages, and wonderful women that can be stay-at-home wives and mothers, they also know that they are not bound to that. If they choose to get more education and never use it, it was not wasted. They learned. 

In the end, we have created a slew of adult women that are trapped in unhealthy marriages, raising children that also are not functioning well on basic levels, despite their abilities and gifts. They have buried their talents in the ground, believing the lie that they are doing the right thing. 

So, how can we do better, different and create new patterns for healthier women? We can stop perpetuating lies that went along with the Stay-at-Home Daughter movement, that cause these long-term damages. We can encourage our sons and daughters to be the men and women they were created to be, strong and capable. They do not have to live in fear, suppress the talents that are given them. They can support others in the roles they are placed in. Parents can realize that they cannot prevent all evil from happening, but they can stop from causing the damage by stifling the growth of their children, to limit them by burying their talents in the ground.  We can and will do better.

~Martha Artyomenko (former Stay at Home Daughter)