I Grew Up in The Stay at Home Daughter Movement and Didn’t Know It
I did not realize that I was part of the Stay at Home Daughter movement. Much like my entire childhood, teen, and young adult years, I was just simply told I was a Christian. In all actuality, I was a fundamentalist Christian, or rather, my family was, and since I was born into our particular movement, it was all I ever knew. My “normal” was what I was surrounded by, who we associated with and who we didn’t. That separated life from most secular things and people was my everyday experience. I didn’t really question it until I become a much older teen and young adult. I realized that the rules and limitations put on me, especially because I was female, were harsh and unnecessary. I did not understand why this had to be so.
The Impact of The SAHD Movement on My Education
These rules included that I was taught from a very young age that a man would be my head; he would make the decisions and I was to follow. I was to stay home, with my family, with my father as my head until the day I married, and then my husband would take his place. There was shame around a woman getting a job before they were married and especially outside of the home, so when I did get an under-the-table job, it was only approved because it was in a fellow church member’s home. I was using the skills that I did know, and sharpening them for my future husband and home, and that was to keep house, clean it, and present it nicely to others. When I finished my homeschooling, I never went to college because I saw no need because I was to get married. Why would I take out a student loan or pay thousands for an education I would never use? I reasoned. My reasoning was not only supported, but the environment I was raised in promoted it. My poor education and lack of continuing it meant I was set up for failure, but back then, I did not know this.
Later I would find that under-the-table job did nothing for me, built no resume, and I worked for four years without any proof, preventing me from being able to start earning points towards social security and instantly had me rejected for disability when my health majorly declined and I couldn’t work. I felt that those years working were all for nothing. My lack of education only made matters worse. Like I mentioned before, I did not further my education, although at one point in my early twenties I did look into it.
I would come to find years later though that I had an unaccredited diploma. That unaccredited diploma has stood in the way of me following my dreams of college and even having a suitable education to aim for a well-paid job. I am nearly finished with months of classes in an adult education program and only one step away from being able to earn my GED. I’m setting up appointments to talk to college counselors now. While I’m very proud of my hard work and dedication, along with determination, this was an unneeded roadblock on my journey that is result of unaccredited curriculum that set me back from the beginning of my K-12 years and using only schoolwork that was allowed in the religious group I grew up in. Because I was never expected to work outside of the home or further my education because of the Stay at Home Daughter movement’s teachings I was under, the emphasis on academics just wasn’t there. My situation is definitely not ideal, but I’m grateful I’m an avid learner and curious, because those things, along with the push for a better education, have helped me immensely and actively reach for my goals.
The Impact of The SAHD Movement Financially
There are other practical things about adulting in the real world that the movement contributed to negatively. Because I didn’t work a real job (although the work I put into it was very much real), my finances have always looked odd. I’m still struggling to financially get on my feet even though I have work. I had to start from scratch though and in my later twenties, with no resume or references to turn to. Luckily for me, I was an apt writer and started by writing a blog, writing articles and such that built my portfolio. I’m still getting on my feet, but I do have a career that is gradually flourishing and I’m proud of that hard work on my part.
The Stay at Home Daughter’s movement set me up for failure, because it never allowed me to question or ask myself what I really wanted to do with my life. Making decisions was very hard for me, because women are supposed to follow the lead of a man. I had no practice in this, really. For example, I struggled ordering off a menu for years to come after leaving the movement because a man would always tell me what I should have.
The Impact of The SAHD Movement on My Relationships
The Stay at Home Daughter movement deeply impacted my relationships. Romantic relationships have been made much harder because of it. Dating men who are secular and did not experience the things I did has been interesting to say the least and very big learning curve. I have finally been able to practice bodily autonomy, making my own decisions, and experience safe and consented sex, along with living a much more healthier and equal life. For example, it was shocking to me the first time I had a boyfriend make dinner and do the dishes as an adult and not demand I do “women’s work” for him, instead. On the other hand, they were in shock that I thought I was expected to immediately assume that role. I have realized more and more how unhealthy the Stay at Home Daughter movement is and how deeply it was ingrained into my psyche.
The emotional aspect of believing teachings of the Stay at Home Daughter movement are complex and very difficult to process. I didn’t end up with a husband like I was supposed to; I am not a mother today. I was twenty-one, and in my environment, that was considered an “old maid.” Part of this, I admit, was my stubbornness to allow myself to be courted by young men. I didn’t want the life I was groomed for. It felt like slavery. But even so, I felt my purpose was nothing, and I felt worthless, because I wasn’t following the greatest calling for all fundamentalist women: being a wife and a mother.
Healing From The SAHD Movement
Because of my questions and my doubts, I finally left the strict religious group of my upbringing. This decision cost me dearly in many, many ways, but I have also found such freedom and am able to thrive today. The teachings that are core to the Stay at Home Daughter movement still impact me, however. There is no doubt in my mind that I’m healing from those teachings that were at the core of this movement and the religious group I was born into. While I’ve definitely crossed into thriving territory on my journey of healing, it’s hard for me to really sit down and express the harm that teaching your daughters to stay home and always follow the lead of a man caused.
Today, I volunteer with a nonprofit that helps those that have experienced religious abuse, even the ramifications of experiencing the limitations put on women who were made to adhere to such teachings that are part of the SAHD movement. Personally, I feel these teachings are abusive, harmful, and spiritual abuse. They have certainly been those things for me and many, many others. Because I can empathize with so many, volunteering and advocacy have been a wonderful avenue for me to continue healing, but also give back to others. By supporting others that have experienced the same and by speaking up to start a tough conversation about the SAHD movement, I have no doubt that many who are struggling are finding out they are not alone.
If you are a parent considering following the ideals of the Stay at Home Daughter movement, I ask that you stop for a moment and think about my story and that of others who have walked away from this movement. Consider why you would want a outcome that could be hurtful for your child, and ask yourself if that can be prevented. While my story is still being written and thus far it’s aiming for a happy ending, there were many unnecessary challenges that I faced solely due to those teachings. As any survivor would say, we do not want another little girl to experience what we had to. That’s why I’m sharing my story. Hopefully, awareness will help prevent one more daughter from experiencing the struggles of the Stay At Home Daughter movement.
~Lydia Joy Launderville (former Stay at Home Daughter)
Lydia Joy Launderville is a writer based in Virginia who covers an array of topics, with a special focus on health, religious abuse and trauma recovery. Her work has been featured on The Mighty, Yahoo News, MSN, Baptist News Global, The Virginian-Pilot, and more. She also volunteers with a nonprofit helping victims of religious abuse. Her hobbies include writing, reading, blogging, exploring the outdoors and spending time with her rescue cat.
Links:
From The Desk of Lydia Joy | Facebook
Lydia Joy Launderville – The Chronically Ill Writer (wordpress.com)